Cassie Hubert: Kindness, Grace, and Personal Space with a Family of Five + Baby under Lockdown
How do you connect to your own soul, when there is nowhere quiet and peaceful to go?
This is the question that Cassie is faced with when she finds herself stuck in a small apartment under lockdown with a new baby and three other children, two of them high-needs. The postpartum stage is hard enough under normal circumstances, but the Covid-19 pandemic has added another layer to the isolation and challenge of having a new baby. In this piece, Cassie reflects on what she learned about finding space for herself and keeping her sanity in those trying times.
In the years prior to the birth of our second son, life for our family of five—two girls, ages 6 and 3, one son, aged 5—was intense. We had lost our fourth child to a late miscarriage three years prior, immediately following an extended time of homelessness when we stayed with friends and family for a few weeks at a time and during a particularly toxic season of work for my husband. We home educate, which means that my kids are almost always with me, and the younger two are autistic—still in nappies and have difficulties with language and sleep.
In that season, when things would get too frustrating or I wrestled again with depression and grief, I would walk along a beautiful canal or a breathtaking estate nearby. This offered the chance to talk to God, or shout at him when I was really fed up, knowing that the silence and solitude available to me were in the company of the One who brings healing and restoration. As a physical person, I process better on the move, so these walks were a lifeline.
Then, in late October 2018, we moved from our small, leafy town in West Hertfordshire to a maisonette apartment in East London. Suddenly, it was not as easy to find wild, quiet spaces to walk.
Instead, I threw myself into London life, going to the theatre, taking dance and professional acting classes (I'm an actress by trade), adventuring to galleries and museums with our eldest, and generally thriving in the city.
But there was never any real silence or solitude to be found, only a constant anthem of light, traffic, shouting, and drive-by DJs at 3am, but the creative opportunities made up for much of this.
In the spring of 2019, we conceived another, much longed-for child, a son. My pregnancies have, thankfully, never been difficult in the complicated or full-on bed-consigned style that many other women have to deal with, but I do find the strain of lack of energy, sickness, and wanting desperately to offer intentional connection and the best possible life for my children so hard to navigate, and I was struggling.
I was also facing a battle in my mind and heart to trust and rest in God's promises for this pregnancy after our previous loss. So out of a desire to act wisely and under advisement, I stopped dancing and going to the gym, as both were too physically demanding. But this also meant I lost my main opportunities to find personal space and connect with my body, soul, and spirit. Coupled with the drop in my energy levels, I felt this loss keenly, which also impacted my patience levels, adding further stress to our family environment.
Some days I did well, and there were many beautiful moments of fun, connection, creativity, and joy with my elder three. Other days, I lost my patience every half hour, flopped miserably on the sofa, frustrated that I couldn't do what I had planned or hoped that day, or because I wanted to vomit whilst changing nappies. I desperately wanted to connect and do fun, energetic things with my children, but I felt wiped out so easily and hugely frustrated that I couldn’t do more.
Yet God was very close through this whole period, constantly carrying us in His grace, and there was still much joy in our home.
Our son was born healthy and beautifully at home in mid-January, and our joy increased as life changed again. Those first few months with a newborn always go by in a blur, but I was able to surrender to the slower pace of life more easily and be more pragmatic about my lack of personal space while my body recuperated. I knew that the newborn stage was intense but short-lived and that I would be back at my pilates and dance classes soon.
However, just as I was beginning to feel ready to get out and perhaps start some classes again, the UK went into lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic. Suddenly, all the promise of returning to a more “normal adult life” disappeared beyond a dingy walk on grey streets. I was stuck in the house with two autistic children who were literally climbing the walls and ripping up paper EVERYWHERE multiple times a day, who wouldn't understand the concept of social distancing in a million years. My eldest was missing her friends and home education meetups, and our 3-month-old baby was feeding all the time. My husband was inordinately busy, and we couldn’t have any babysitters—so there was no respite.
It became a fight to stay connected to my inner self.
I was faced with the question, How do you connect to your own soul, when there is nowhere quiet and peaceful to go?
The only word I know is Grace.
Grace to be humble.
No matter where I am in the day, I can choose to stand in humility and ask God for his help, admitting that I need his grace to even begin to function in wisdom and love. I can ignore this but will usually see myself becoming steadily more frustrated when life and people do not submit to my will.
Upon waking, I can actively put the day in God’s hands and ask him to help me pay attention, to notice those opportunities for deepening empathy and connection. A quick prayer for peace and His presence, snatched in a moment of privacy in the bathroom, will allow me to receive what I need to redeem a difficult day.
Connecting with Him will connect me to me.
Grace to surrender.
It is hard to be kind to ourselves in a culture which both tells us we are entitled to everything we desire, but also holds us to a ridiculous standard of perfection.
As mothers, we can get angry that we aren’t living up to our idea of success—feeling frustrated that what used to take us five minutes now seems to need the space of half a day to complete—lamenting our lack of superhuman efficiency. But believing that I should still be able to function just as I did before kids is utterly unreasonable. I have changed, as has my family, and this is a new season with different capacity levels.
This means that my time is no longer under my control: things take longer, and I need to learn to receive the space that comes my way with gratitude instead of frustration.
Surrendering to the season is key to enjoying it more. By extending kindness to myself, not resenting my need for rest, I will also grow in empathy and patience towards others.
Grace to set appropriate boundaries.
Admitting the truth to myself that the world will not stop turning (and that it’s not selfish) if I take some time out to recuperate or practice creativity is ESSENTIAL.
With my youngest still breastfeeding loads, and with them all at home, I need a few hours in the week when I don’t have four little people touching or needing something from me.
So most days I'll attempt a 40-minute walk in (our new) local woods (we moved again!) to talk aloud to God or simply clear my head. Alternatively, I sit in our office away from everyone to write, read, or simply rest. This feeds my soul and makes me better for my family.
I have to plan in the time to be alone. And then actually take it. If I don’t, that time disappears, leaving me feeling frustrated or resentful at my lack of space.
Despite how we can feel, especially when as mothers we are so emotionally tied up in our kids’ lives, it is still OK:
- To say no.
- To ask for a nap.
- To cancel plans.
- To leave your children with your spouse or another trusted adult for a couple of hours.
You are not lost in the machine of motherhood. In this refining season, God sees you and is doing some deep work in you, so let go, lean into Him, and let Him carry you in His Grace—it is sufficient.
“He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.”
Isaiah 40:11 (NLT)
Cassie lives in Sussex in the UK, with her husband and four children aged nine, seven, six and one. She is a professional actress and singer, but right now works mainly as a full-time mother and home-educator to her children. Cassie is passionate about many things, particularly her family, and loves to cook, eat, walk and dance, as well as talk, practice playfulness and grow in her knowledge of God and all the wonderful things he has blessed us with on this planet.
You can read more of her her words over at createperformandmother.com where she writes about Connection through the lenses of Creativity, Motherhood and Performance, or find her on Instagram & Pinterest as @creativeperformermum, on Facebook at the Create, Perform & Mother page, and on Twitter as @create_mother.
