8 Damaging Myths for Moms and Liberating Truths to Dispel Them (Part II)

This is the second part of a two-part post on the damaging myths of motherhood. To read the first post, click here.

In the previous post, I explored myths that affect moms primarily in the early months of motherhood, expectations about how quickly and easily we will or should adapt to being a mom and the emotional responses that will or should elicit. In this post, I focus on myths that can affect moms both in the early months and in all the years to come.

These myths each stand alone but also work in pairs to reveal another layer of impossibility: the myths of motherhood often directly contradict one another such that, if you are living up to the standards set by one myth, you will, by definition, be failing at another.

Gretchen Rubin has shared Niels Bohr’s famous quote, “The opposite of a great truth is also true.” I think we can apply this in a slightly different way to say that the opposite of a great myth is also a myth. You cannot spend every waking moment caring for your children and also take care of yourself. You cannot simultaneously be the mom who gives up her career to stay home with her kids full-time and be the mom who follows her dreams while making a six-figure (or even five-figure) income.

If we allow ourselves to be caught between the opposing expectations of the Good Mom, we’ll always feel like we’re failing, no matter how great we’re actually doing. So it’s essential that we call these ideas what they are and shrug off their impossible burden, for only then can we be free to step into our own version of motherhood, to be the unique, imperfect, deeply good mother we were designed to be.

Myth #5: You’ll bounce right back—both physically and emotionally—after a few months.

Thankfully, I don’t think many people these days actually say such absurd words, but the message is communicated nonetheless. We rarely see images of postpartum women’s bodies looking truly postpartum, which is to say like something cataclysmic has occurred: swollen and tender breasts, a baby-less bulge that droops like a deflated balloon, stretch marks and dark spots (melasma), hormonal acne and hair loss, stitches and oozing, dark circles and unwashed hair. What we see is either nothing—because she has disappeared into the “confinement” stage of recovery from whence she’ll emerge when she’s returned to normal—or carefully staged photos of smiling mothers with their cherubic infants. This bothers me so much that I wrote a whole post about it, so I won’t carry on here.

And then, when they do emerge, mere months after growing and birthing another human, women begin to be criticized if they are not bouncing back fast enough. As a Vanity Fair article about Meghan Markle’s radical decision to reveal a still-round belly in her first photo after giving birth so eloquently puts it, you are expected to “make your first appearance with your new child come complete with no evidence you physically gestated them.”

Ok, you may be thinking, obviously it’s ridiculous to expect a woman only days from delivery to be back to her pre-pregnancy self. Of course it will take some time! But this belies the often-unwelcome reality: a woman’s body will never be the same after carrying and birthing a baby. There is no going back. Fetal DNA persists in the mother’s body indefinitely after a pregnancy, and many women experience pelvic floor dysfunction for the rest of their lives (though this can be greatly improved with physical therapy). Even as far as the human body can “bounce” back into full health and strength, it will take years, not months.

Recovery is a long, slow, arduous road and looks differently for every body. It’s taken me at least a year to get back into pre-pregnancy clothes with each of my three babies. Some women say that breastfeeding “melts off” the baby weight, but I found that my body seemed to hold on to those fat reserves pretty tightly until I was down to one or two feedings a day. After my first, I put in the effort to get into really good shape—lean and strong—but I still struggled with hip and back pain from problems in my pelvic floor, as I later learned. And like most women who breastfeed, my boobs were not the same, even when I stopped nursing. My body was just different—maybe worse in some ways, maybe better in others, but undeniably different.

A friend once pointed out something that pokes an even bigger hole in this myth about “bouncing back.” Even if you haven’t had a baby, she said, your body will not be the same when you are 34 as when you were 28 or even 32. Our bodies are constantly changing—aging, strengthening, weakening, gaining and losing fat, adapting to new situations, bearing scars and wrinkles that tell the stories of pain and joy that make up our lives. This myth is based on the larger lie that we can stop time and stay young and thin and unwrinkled forever. But that’s just not how the world works, and the sooner we accept that, the better off we’ll be.

The same is true for our emotional and mental selves. We’ll gradually feel more like ourselves again as we emerge from the often bewildering haze of caring for a newborn, but we emerge transformed—still us but also a new person entirely.

Truth #5: Recovering fully from the all-encompassing metamorphosis of pregnancy and delivery takes years, not months, and the person who emerges will be different—physically and emotionally—than the person you were before.

Myth #6: Once you have kids, taking care of yourself is impossible (and selfish), so don’t even try.

This one forms an infuriating partnership with Myth #5: we are expected to recover quickly and fully but also not to take any time for ourselves and to view anything done for someone other than our children (and maybe our spouse) as selfish. This myth forbids us from setting aside the time required to actually heal from the ravages of pregnancy and delivery, and yet, if we show signs of those ravages more than a few weeks or months out, we’re pitied at best or denigrated at worst.

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Now, like all these myths, there is some truth here: taking time for yourself while you have young kids around is no easy thing. Unless you have copious childcare and you’re not working during that time, carving out child-free time when you’re not utterly exhausted is a huge challenge. Young children take an inevitable toll on your sleep, even in the best circumstances, and sleep deprivation contributes to every other health and wellness problem. The struggle is real.

But. But, but, but. Taking care of yourself is not impossible, and it’s definitely not selfish. In fact, it’s the opposite of selfish. Ensuring that we are emotionally, physically, and mentally equipped to be the best mothers we can be is foundational to caring for our children.

When I’m depleted, I snap much more quickly and struggle to be fully present with my daughters. It’s the quality of our time and attention that matters most, not the quantity, so it’s better for all of us in the long run if I have to spend less time with them but am able to show up with my full self. Presenting them with a frazzled, physically weak, nutritionally deprived, and emotionally overwhelmed version of myself is hardly the mothering they need. It’s also not the example I want to set for them. I want my girls to be people who value themselves enough to give their bodies and minds what they require for full functioning. And the best way to teach them that is by living it. If I’m always sacrificing my health and happiness on the alter of motherhood, they will learn to do the same—and worse, they may blame themselves for my unhappiness.

So, while I have a long way to go with this after having my third child in five years, there are a few ways I’ve learned to help make this possible. Because a version of this myth is true: it is impossible to take care of yourself in all the same ways after having kids. Like every other aspect of your existence, your self-care will have to adapt to your new circumstances.

Here are a few tips from my experience:

Nutrition: once the carb-hungry fiend of pregnancy hormones finally leaves, the main impediment to healthy eating for me is time. I don’t have time to cook anything remotely complicated, and I don’t have time to do a lot of chewing. That might sound ridiculous, but I kid you not (pun not intended): salads are an impossibility with three littles underfoot because it would take so much time to eat sufficient calories. Most of my eating is bites snuck in between getting water and napkins and second portions for my children, half the time with a baby on one hip. Cereal became my go-to for most of the first year because it was simple and could be eaten with one hand. I did at least add protein powder to it. Which brings me to my hack: invest in a high-quality meal replacement option that works for you. It could be a shake or a protein powder or bars, but it has to be super easy and highly nutritious. I ended up getting a Ka’chava subscription during my last pregnancy, which is packed full of super-foods, plant-based protein, pro- and pre-biotics, and other good stuff. This allowed me to quickly throw together a high-quality meal that I could drink out of a straw with one or even no hands. Bonus: my kids like it too, providing an extra boost of protein and veggies.

Movement: Notice I didn’t say exercise. If you can make the time to resume your pre-kids exercise routine, more power to you (although make sure you do some work to restore your core before diving right in). However, if you don’t have the motivation or resources to do a full-on workout or get to the gym, I’ve learned that walking is actually an extremely effective form of exercise in terms of overall health, boosting immune system function and improving mood. While doing some weight training and more intense forms of cardio-vascular exercise offer additional benefits, the majority of the well-known benefits of exercise accrue with only the relatively low pressure activity of moderate walking for even just ten minutes a day. And in some ways, walking is actually superior: the risk of injury is extremely low, which is super important for those of us over 35, carrying around extra body weight, and/or recovering from a serious health incident. Plus, you can take your kids with you. I highly recommend trying to get at least one walk a week on your own so that you can fully enjoy the mental benefits, but most of my walks are with my four-year-old in the stroller and my baby in a carrier, which adds to the physical challenge. And most of the time, they like it too. Note: spending some time working on core and pelvic floor health is ESSENTIAL for recovery and must be part of your movement plan, but again, you can do a lot even with your kids around; when I find myself hanging out with my kids on the floor, I try to lie down and do a few transverse abdominal contractions and kegels (not just for improving sex, by the way!), which improves pelvic alignment and reduces postpartum pooch.

Me-time: Caring for your body is paramount, but you’ve got to care for your mental and emotional health as well. (Actually, physical health promotes emotional and mental health—it’s all related—but there are some additional things our minds need.) For me, having some time alone with no one needing me is essential in order to reconnect with my deeper self. This requires enlisting my husband, friends, and/or mother to take over childcare for an hour or two a few times a week or month and, ideally, for a full day or two once in a while. It can feel selfish—indulgent, negligent, unnecessary—but it is anything but. I also need time with friends, including some time that doesn’t get interrupted every thirty seconds by our children. Adult connection is a must for human flourishing, so even though it can be complicated, it’s essential to prioritize. If you don’t have the resources for more traditional childcare, see if you can find a few other moms who would do kid-swaps where you watch each other’s kids so they can have time alone. We also need time to be creative, to engage in hobbies (remember those?), to pray or meditate, or to do whatever else it is that brings us joy and peace. These are needs not luxuries.

Sleep: Last but definitely not least, quality sleep is foundational for every kind of health. I’m not even going to include a link because the research is so overwhelming that a simple google search will turn up thousands of great articles. Sleep is something that Americans in general and parents in particular tend to sacrifice in order to “get more done” or “live more,” but the negative effects on life quality of too little sleep are astounding. Our kids need good sleep even more with their developing brains, so prioritizing sleep for the whole family can have exponential benefits. What works for each family and child is different, but I urge you to find what works for you and do it. Get those kids in bed nice and early (ours are all down by 7 pm), and make sure that they stay there for a long time (10+ hours until at least age 10). And then get yourself to bed. There’s this idea that parents are just supposed to be sleep-deprived, almost like a badge of honor (omg I’m soooo tired. my kid woke me up at 4 am. oh yeah? mine woke me at 2 am, so I’ve got you beat!). But once again, this is not true: it’s just a little (or a lot) harder to get the rest you need. You just have to prioritize it like your life depends on it (because, in many ways, it does!). Ensuring quality sleep will include avoiding screens an hour before bedtime, incorporating some form of white noise, blocking out ambient light sources, and developing relaxation routines to help you unwind and destress.

Truth #6: It is definitely harder to take care of yourself once you have kids, but if you are creative and intentional, you absolutely can (and should!) maintain your physical, mental, and emotional health; in fact, it’s one of the most important things you can do for your children.

Myth #7: Being a mother will be deeply and completely fulfilling.

You’ve heard it before: Women are just naturally made to be mothers. Women just have that nurturing instinct. Being a mother is the most fulfilling thing a woman can ever do.

Like all myths, yet again, there’s some truth there: most women are born with the ability to carry new life within them; many women are very nurturing, and the emotional and social instincts required to nurture children are more often and obviously present in females than in males; and being a mother can be incredibly, wonderfully, unimaginably fulfilling. But if you don’t find yourself amongst those most and many women, if you do not always feel deeply and completely fulfilled by your role as a mother, there is nothing wrong with you.

I am not one of those many. I do find deep meaning in my parenting journey, but I also find deep fulfillment in other areas of my life. I am called to be a mother, yes, and that is a noble, demanding, holy calling. But I’m also called to be a teacher, a writer, and a counselor. These too are part of the way God has made me, and those parts do not go away just because I have tiny humans to care for.

In fact, my ability to care for them well is enhanced by my participation in those other callings. It’s hard and complex: the time I spend away from home requires that they go to daycare and does use some of the emotional, physical, and mental resources that might otherwise go to them, but the benefits to my soul outweigh the costs (at least most of the time—don’t ask me when I’m grading a huge virtual stack of essays). You see, teaching and writing are life-giving for me. And what my girls need more than anything else (except Jesus, totes obvi), is a mother who is fully and radiantly alive. They need a mother who is pursuing the life God intends with her whole person, who engages her full essence in all its many facets.

Yes, I spend less time with them than if I stayed home full-time. But like so many things in life, it’s quality over quantity. When I stayed home full-time with my oldest for the first four months of her life, I did not do well. I was aimless, depressed, lonely, and bored. I spent nearly every waking hour of her life with her, but how often did I smile? I’m convinced that it’s better for our children for me to spend fewer hours with them (to a point—obviously seeing them for only a few minutes a day would not be great) but for those hours to be ones when I am focused, present, happy(ish)—in a word, engaged. Of course there are times when I am distracted by the editing waiting for me after they go to bed or emotionally drained from a long day of teaching, but more often than not, having some time away from them to engage the other parts of who I am leaves me more able to engage in mothering when I come back. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as the saying goes, and this is definitely true for me.

I am just not cut out for full-time momming. Some women are, and that’s wonderful. But I’m not. And that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that I love my children any less than full-time moms or that their care is substandard. It’s just different. And it certainly doesn’t mean that I am less of a woman. (Hopefully the idea that “a woman’s place is in the home” and that it’s “unfeminine” to want anything more/else is not one you’re having to confront anymore in the 21st century!)

There’s a more sinister side to this myth that we need to tackle before we move on: the idea that motherhood could or should be completely fulfilling. First of all, nothing on this earth will ever be completely fulfilling—that’s just the state of a fallen world; we’ll always long for more. Second, what a terrible burden to put on your children, to be responsible for so much of your happiness! This, I am convinced, is part of what’s going on for those parents (‘cause it happens with men too) who seem to live vicariously through their children and to base their self-worth on the success (by their own definition, of course) of those children. And when that relationship deteriorates or implodes, as it inevitably does when things are so off balance, the parent is devastated. The same thing happens many times when the kids leave home: you get that lost, purposeless “empty nest” syndrome. To place so much importance on parenthood is to set yourself and your children up for disappointment at best, alienation and despair at worst.

Our children need us to view them as important, absolutely—as precious and delightful. And we ought to see our role as parents as deeply meaningful, most certainly, for shepherding souls and modeling God’s love is surely one of the most important jobs a human can have. But this cannot be the sole source of meaning and joy in our lives. It’s not fair to our children, and it’s not fair to ourselves.

Truth #7: Being a mother is one of many things that can provide deep fulfillment in life, but desiring and/or engaging in other meaningful endeavors does not in any way make you a worse mother; rather, using and enjoying the various talents and abilities with which God has gifted you makes you better because it makes you more fully alive.

Myth #8: You will/should (want to) do more than “just” be a mom.

The flip side of Myth #7 is this overcorrection that says that being a full-time or stay-at-home mom should not be enough for you, that if that’s “all” you do, you must be lazy or boring or brainwashed to believe that a mother must sacrifice her dreams for her children.

It’s this “mom and” idea, as if attending to the emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of one or more tiny humans is not a full-time job that requires incredible breadth and depth of emotional and physical skill. This lie tells us that we should be able to—and should want to—be a mom and an entrepreneur/teacher/accountant/etc.

First, we hear that we should have the capacity for mothering “and,” which tells us that, if we feel overwhelmed, depleted, exhausted by “just” parenting our kids, we must be lazy or broken. Second, we hear that we ought to want more or that we really do want more if we’ll only let ourselves acknowledge it, which encourages a sense of dissatisfaction with the life we have.

It’s maddening that we get these contradictory messages: motherhood is the most important and fulfilling calling a woman will ever have, but also women should do a lot more with their time and abilities than “merely” mothering—venerating and denigrating motherhood in the same breath.

Now, I’ll be the first to remind you that, as articulated in Truth #7, actually wanting to pursue other passions and interests in addition to being a mom is a wonderful thing. If you feel that longing authentically (or need to work for financial reasons), go for it! But make sure it’s really the desire of your soul or financially essential, ‘cause it won’t be easy, so it better be worth it. But if, instead, you find yourself in the position to stay home with your kids full-time and want to do that, do not let anyone make you feel lesser about that.

In some ways, I wish that were me—that I could afford to and wanted to spend every day with my children. Our lives would be so much simpler. As it is, I’m enmeshed in a constant balancing act between my various jobs and my three children, not to mention self-care (exercise, nutrition, and other luxuries like showering), friendships, and that tiny little project called my marriage. It’s a lot, and I often feel overwhelmed. But I am convinced that I’m called to other work in addition to the noble, demanding work of motherhood. It’s not better work or harder work; it’s just other. And for me, it is an essential part of what I was created to do in this world. However, if that’s not you—if you, at least for now, do not feel called to work outside the home or on the side—do not let the siren song of “hustle” lure you away from your calling as a mother.

The truth is that, while it can certainly feel interminable at times, our children will only be children for a few years. Research shows that the most formative work of parenting is done before age seven. At age two, children’s brains have twice as many synapses as adults, which enables them to learn rapidly, laying the foundation for all kinds of higher-level abilities like self-regulation, problem solving, and complex communication. Children’s brains reach 90 percent of their adult size by age five, at which age they begin to shift their learning focus from their parents to their peers. Obviously, our role as parents continues to be incredibly important, but I mention this to emphasize how very short this most influential window is. If you feel called to stay home with your kids during this precious time, do it! You can always do “more” once they’re all in school. (Or not.)

A friend of mine with a graduate degree has struggled with this myth recently as she has decided to quit her job and stay home with her kids. It’s not that she doesn’t have the ability or desire to engage in the larger world in financially and intellectually profitable and impactful ways—she does. But during this season, she’s decided that the best arrangement for the health of her family—and her own spiritual and mental health—is to stay home full-time. She has to fight against the societal pressure that tells her she should have a side hustle or that she’s wasting her degree and talents by being “just” a mom. Are there days when she misses dropping her kids off at school and heading off to stimulating and meaningful work? Absolutely. But she’s chosen to put that on hold for this season. As Jane Eyre says, her talents will “keep.” For now, she is choosing to be a full-time mom, not because that’s the only way to be a good mom or because a woman’s place is in the home (gag me) but because she wants to. And that’s ok, more than ok—wonderful.

There is no “just” about being a mom. It’s an all-consuming, life-altering, soul-demanding endeavor that, to do well, requires just as much skill and fortitude as any other job, if not more. To choose to devote one’s time and energy to such a calling is noble and praiseworthy. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.

Truth #8: Mothering well can be every bit as demanding and rewarding as any other profession, and if it makes sense for you and your family, being a full-time mom can be an empowered and satisfying choice.

If there’s one thing you take away from reading this post, I hope it’s that there is no one “right” way to be a mom. At their core, these myths are all exaggerated expectations, generalizations of things that may be true for some at some times applied to everyone and all the time. Most of us will have experiences that land somewhere in the middle and/or that fluctuate (sometimes wildly) between the two poles, changing day by day, month by month, baby by baby.

And that’s ok. That’s normal and good and beautiful.

Good moms—great moms—come in all shapes and sizes and feel all different ways at different times. Good moms want different things and navigate those desires in different ways. Good moms struggle and regret and adjust and accept.

It’s that last one that may be the most important. Perhaps it’s the one thing that all good moms in fact do: good moms accept their reality, imperfections and frustrations and surprises and all, choosing to love both themselves and their children just as they are the best that they can in that moment.

I’d love to hear from you! Which myth has been the hardest to shake for you? What ideas about how motherhood would be have you had to struggle to let go of?